In the fall of 2019, some troubling patterns emerged with my father that would change my life. It began innocently with what I thought were phone calls about confusing letters from creditors that turned out to be bills he had forgotten to pay for months. Soon after, he failed a mandatory cognitive test required for renewing your driver’s licence in Ontario when you turn 80. He barely passed the subsequent driving test.
These episodes, combined with my mother’s observations about increasing forgetfulness and compulsive behaviours, led us to get him medically tested. The diagnosis was direct: early-stage dementia. His doctor suspended his licence and directed me to take immediate control of his finances. That moment introduced my family and me to a harsh reality. While we all expect our parents to age and need help, the sudden immersion into managing someone’s declining health can be shocking and leave us unprepared for the caregiving responsibilities ahead.
Warning signs you may need to step in
Many of the signs may at first seem quite innocent and subtle, but if you notice them occurring frequently and consistently, they could be flags to get a diagnosis. These can include:
- Repetitive conversations: Constant circling around the same pattern of compulsive thoughts.
- Failing to recognize familiar faces: Several times my father failed to recognize long-time family friends he once spoke to on regular basis. There were times he even failed to understand who I was, which was so disheartening.
- Social withdrawal: As health difficulties progress, the person’s social circles shrink slowly but then dramatically. As my father’s condition progressed, both my parents detached themselves from their fairly large social networks. COVID-19 accelerated the process.
A job you never applied for
These behaviours are often more dismaying to family members than to the person with the health issues.
If you’re reading this and thinking about your own aging parents—or if you’re already in the thick of it like I still am—you’re not alone. According to a 2022 report from Statistics Canada, around one in four Canadians aged 15 and older (7.8 million people) provided care to a family member or friend with a long-term health condition, a disability, or problems associated with aging. These 2018 figures likely underestimate the true prevalence of caregiving, especially in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, which increased the demand for elder-care services.
Managing your parents’ finances can feel like a full-time job. I’m now six years into this journey and it’s been a never-ending roller-coaster of phone calls, emails, and appointments with banks and service providers. It is hard enough to stay on top of your own and immediate family’s finances. You must now understand all of your parents’ financial quirks, ranging from their income sources and recurring expenses to what investments they have, if any. At times it feels like an endless scavenger hunt searching for documents, bank accounts, invoices, legal documents, insurance policies, and online accounts.
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Levels of caregiving
In most cases, you are not undertaking this in a bubble. You must navigate through family dynamics, often resulting in difficult and emotional conversations with your parents and other family members. You may need to consider difficult decisions, likely creating resistance as pride and independence are tested. From my experience, this has been the most draining part of this experience, both emotionally and physically.
Financial caregiving can fall into different levels depending on the capabilities of your parents. It could be simply providing your parents with advice and guidance in the form of reviewing and explaining financial accounts and documents. It could fall in the form of suggesting methods for better organizing their financial affairs.
If your parents’ health impairments are more advanced, an active participation may be necessary in the form of paying bills, filing tax returns on their behalf, or accompanying them to appointments with their bank or financial advisor. At the most extreme level—which is what I had to go through with my father—legal interventions using a power of attorney to make financial and health-related decisions on their behalf may be required, which require a high level of commitment and attention to detail.
More lessons to come
In our upcoming series on MoneySense, I’ll be sharing the practical lessons learned from my journey: the essential documents you need to locate, the conversations to have before they become urgent, the financial red flags to watch for, and the systems that can help preserve your parent’s independence while protecting their financial security.
While we can’t prevent our parents from aging, we can certainly be better prepared for the financial realities that come with it that hopefully will allow them to retain some dignity in their lives and set a positive example for our younglings to pay it forward.
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